Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
