So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
