so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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