mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's official drugs can't kill me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
