I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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