im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
