apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
