Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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