Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
