she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
