I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
