She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
