nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
