i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Someone signed my nipple.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
