Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
