I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
