I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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