Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
