Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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