does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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