Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
