U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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