Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Randomize