Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
