I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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