everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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