I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
