Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
