Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
