R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
