My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize