This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
