my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you have to choose: penises or morals?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
