I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
