Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
