Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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