I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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