I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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