I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize