Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
