i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
