Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
