I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I came so hard my ears popped.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
