Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
