Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
