I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
