The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
