i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Actions speak louder than pants.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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