You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
