I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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