take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
