he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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