PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize