so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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