she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
we're making bets on your personal life
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
