just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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